What's the big deal anyways, eh?
Downtown Canada. September 24th, 2001 (PoohLog Newswire) — It has now been two weeks since the tragic events of September 11th brought down the house in New York and Canadians from coast to coast to coast are starting to wonder what all the hullabaloo is all about.
"It's actually an improvement to the skyline," commented Margorie Putnam as she surveyed Ground Zero from the opposite shore. "It's a drastic type of urban renewal, to be sure, but at least we don't have to stare at those frickin' double phalluses anymore."
"It evens out the building line," pointed-out Fred Putnam, his hand tracing over the peaks and valleys shaped by the remaining buildings. "I always thought New Yorkers were trying to compensate for something with those Twin Towers." At this comment, Fred throws Margorie a wink and she represses a giggle.
"We've fallen and we can't get up!"
Some Americans expressed barely contained rage when they realized that Canadian businesses were continuing with their day-to-day activities. "How dare they continue to try to make money without us," shouted one irate Stock Exchanger who was not identified. "It's a mockery of all we hold dear! The world should be declaring a day of mourning for our pain. It's disrespectful to our great nation!"
When asked why Canada did not grind to a halt in the wake of the attacks upon America, Prime Minister Jean Chretien responded candidly, "We honestly didn't think they would get so worked up about it for so long. It's not like it was a week-long ice storm like we had in Montreal. Now there was a tragedy! All those poor trees... destroyed! And there was no electricity for a week downtown, in some places for a month!" At this point, Mr. Chretien broke down in tears, reaching for his Twist Shandy.
"The reality is that we just think of Americans as really dumb Canadians with watered-down beer and bad dressing habits," Chretien added, taking another swig, puffing on his cigarrette. "America is like my Uncle Gaston at Christmas. Eventually, you just learn to tune-out his drunken ramblings."
A quick poll was taken with 25 Canadians in bustling downtown Canada. They were asked "Do you think that Canada should support the US in a War on Terrorism?". Here's what we found out:
- 8 sheepishly admitted that they didn't realize that USA was an independent country. They thought USA (pronounced 'us' -- 'eh') was some kind of rock/country band from Sudbury getting video time on MuchMusic.
- 10 were surprised that the US even needed an army since every man, woman, child, and family pet were already armed to the teeth.
- 5 thought it might be a good idea to lend "a helping hand, just to be nice".
- 2 Canadians avoided the question completely, throwing down their gloves and viciously cross-checking a passerby wearing a Boston Bruins hockey shirt.
"I think those American fellas are being a bit over-sensitive," said Paul Longfellow, a farmer in Saskatchewan (a suburb west of Downtown Canada). "If Ottawa didn't make a statement it's because we didn't think we needed one, because we thought of New York as being a really dirty version of Toronto. It's a courtesy that's not extended because you don't think you had to. Kind of like how you don't send a beaver pelt to your cousin if she has you over to watch hockey and have tea."
"But maybe we're being insensitive," Chretien responded, rubbing his chin. "I'll call Canada Post today and see what we can do about issuing a commemorative stamp. Dat should do it, eh?"